OK, so you've always wanted to know what really happens when the doctor asks you for a sample of your urine.
Easy.
Go to the washroom, fill at least a quarter of the bottle with pee and you should be fine.
Leave the bottle in the toilet. The nurse will discretely traipse to the loo to bag the offending item and courier it to the labs.
(point to note: NEVER, EVER CRASH INTO A COURIER/DESPATCH RIDER! Crash into a tree if you have to but NEVER, a courier/despatch riderHow do you think these urine samples get to the lab? Walk there?)
That has been settled. The urine sample is safe.
OK, now for the stool sample.
Hey! Wait a sec! No one told me about the STOOL SAMPLE!
"It's written right there in the 3rd line, sir. Yes, the line which says '...stool sample will be needed in order to detect...'."
Crap.
Right, so how do we do this?
"Very simple, sir. Just proceed to the toilet and use the in-built scoop to obtain a sample of your stool."
Hmm....the mind is an amazing thing as it wanders while it wonders.
Option A
=======
Once the dump has been dumped, get off the bowl and literally reach in for a sample (did I mention I was going to cook for The Wife after writing this blog entry?).
Option B
=======
Heck! What's Option B?
"Very well, sir. After you have wiped yourself, use the in-built applicator to obtain a sample from the recently used toilet paper."
I was tempted to ask if I should get the sample from the 1st wipe or the 3rd wipe (you know, getting a urine sample requires you collect the pee in mid-stream, not the pee from right off the blocks you know!) but I figured that keeping quiet was best.
"And oh yes, please leave the sample on the shelf in the toilet. Have a pleasant time!"
Warped sense of humour these nurses possess.
OK, I can do this. Walk to the toilet, lock the door, sit on the......you know how it works!
Right, I have released the dump. I am now attempting the 1st wipe.
Visual check.
Crap! (as if you did not already know that)
No! But really.....crap!
Question: What happens if the dump you took was a smooth one and left minimal residual on your blessed assurance (or posterior, as known to some of you)?
Don't panic! Everything is under control.
Try a second wipe.
Doh! What makes you think that a 2nd wipe will be MORE successful than a 1st wipe?
The optimist in me went for the 3rd wipe. By now, hygiene was not really big on the 'To do' list. Success will be measured by how much crap I can produce.
No pun intended there.
As I flushed, I kept wondering what kind of excuse to give the nurse.
"I got constipated"
"It got away so fast, I didn't know what hit me"
"Ma'am, you have really good sanitation systems here that sucks everything in the way"
Gingerly, I walked out of the toilet. Like a shield bearer who let his Knight down in the heat of battle, I made the walk to the counter, clutching the sample bottle.
"Noooo! Can you please leave the sample in the toilet?", came the shriek from the nurse while she flailed her arms in defense of the offensive bottle.
After reassuring her that it was empty, she collected herself and then asked the damning question, " How come there is no sample?"
Erm.....
The Wife is home. Got to start cooking dinner.
Easy.
Go to the washroom, fill at least a quarter of the bottle with pee and you should be fine.
Leave the bottle in the toilet. The nurse will discretely traipse to the loo to bag the offending item and courier it to the labs.
(point to note: NEVER, EVER CRASH INTO A COURIER/DESPATCH RIDER! Crash into a tree if you have to but NEVER, a courier/despatch riderHow do you think these urine samples get to the lab? Walk there?)
That has been settled. The urine sample is safe.
OK, now for the stool sample.
Hey! Wait a sec! No one told me about the STOOL SAMPLE!
"It's written right there in the 3rd line, sir. Yes, the line which says '...stool sample will be needed in order to detect...'."
Crap.
Right, so how do we do this?
"Very simple, sir. Just proceed to the toilet and use the in-built scoop to obtain a sample of your stool."
Hmm....the mind is an amazing thing as it wanders while it wonders.
Option A
=======
Once the dump has been dumped, get off the bowl and literally reach in for a sample (did I mention I was going to cook for The Wife after writing this blog entry?).
Option B
=======
Heck! What's Option B?
"Very well, sir. After you have wiped yourself, use the in-built applicator to obtain a sample from the recently used toilet paper."
I was tempted to ask if I should get the sample from the 1st wipe or the 3rd wipe (you know, getting a urine sample requires you collect the pee in mid-stream, not the pee from right off the blocks you know!) but I figured that keeping quiet was best.
"And oh yes, please leave the sample on the shelf in the toilet. Have a pleasant time!"
Warped sense of humour these nurses possess.
OK, I can do this. Walk to the toilet, lock the door, sit on the......you know how it works!
Right, I have released the dump. I am now attempting the 1st wipe.
Visual check.
Crap! (as if you did not already know that)
No! But really.....crap!
Question: What happens if the dump you took was a smooth one and left minimal residual on your blessed assurance (or posterior, as known to some of you)?
Don't panic! Everything is under control.
Try a second wipe.
Doh! What makes you think that a 2nd wipe will be MORE successful than a 1st wipe?
The optimist in me went for the 3rd wipe. By now, hygiene was not really big on the 'To do' list. Success will be measured by how much crap I can produce.
No pun intended there.
As I flushed, I kept wondering what kind of excuse to give the nurse.
"I got constipated"
"It got away so fast, I didn't know what hit me"
"Ma'am, you have really good sanitation systems here that sucks everything in the way"
Gingerly, I walked out of the toilet. Like a shield bearer who let his Knight down in the heat of battle, I made the walk to the counter, clutching the sample bottle.
"Noooo! Can you please leave the sample in the toilet?", came the shriek from the nurse while she flailed her arms in defense of the offensive bottle.
After reassuring her that it was empty, she collected herself and then asked the damning question, " How come there is no sample?"
Erm.....
The Wife is home. Got to start cooking dinner.
No comments:
Post a Comment