Santa stinks!

Ok, so everyone likes to have the perfect wedding anniversary dinner with your love one, yes?

I booked this fantastic place (or at least, what I thought was fantastic) located on a hill in Singapore. The key draw, I heard, was the spewing of 'snow' at regular intervals during the night. Yes, we pathetic Singaporeans have to resort to spewing soap suds to simulate snow, but that is another story.

I had actually gone to check out the place a week before and thought it was smashing!

Anniversary day arrives. I pick up the wife. We are making good time.

We park the car and make our way to the restaurant. On the way, we meet a Singaporean tour guide with a flag in one hand whilst blowing a whistle in his mouth. Quite the odd sight I must say.

"Can you all please gather? We cannot leave until everyone come back here. Bus will not take us home."

Some people standing around him had puzzled look on their faces. They started spewing in Vietnamese and gesticulating at tour guide. Obviously, they were his 'lost sheep' who did not understand what he was saying and he likewise, did not speak a word of Vietnamese.

We left tooting tour guide and walked on to the reception area of the restaurant.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where the ****** restaurant is?"

"Please enter from the right hand side," replied the receptionist, motioning to another 2 greeters dressed in white, standing in the wings.

"Hi, we would like to go to the ****** restaurant. Is it this way?"

"Yes, but you would have to pay an entrance fee of S$3 per person, refundable for every S$15 spent."

Huh?

I shrugged my shoulders in resignation.

"Ok, here's S$6," as I handed her the money.

"Oh, you have to pay at the reception," white dressed greeter replies, pointing me back to the receptionist.

Double huh?

I walked back to the receptionist and gave her my why-didn't-you-just-tell-me-before look.

She did not get it.

"May I help you, sir?"

I started to mentally pluck my leg hairs to divert any wayward thoughts of strangling her.

"Two entry tickets to the ****** restaurant, please."

I couldn't believe I actually said 'please'.

Start plucking left leg hairs.

Receptionist nonchalantly hands me 2 tickets.

"Please enter from the right hand side."

"Is she a robot?" I whispered to my wife.

The 2 dressed in white greeters waiting in the wings let us enter. We take the escalator to the top.

Very nice view.

At the top, some more greeters took us to our seats. Signs which said 'reserved' could be found on all the tables.

Popular location eh?

The greeter pointed us to our seats. It was the table behind one of the tables with unobstructed view of the Keppel Harbour.

"Erm, I did request for a table with a good view during my telephone call reservation. Can we have that table?" I asked, pointing to the table next to ours.

"Sorry, sir. That table has been reserved."

Triple huh?

I pointed to the 'reserved' signs on 'Nice View' table and ours.

"They both are reserved......" I prompted our greeter as I made alternating rotating motion with both hands.

Hesitant awkward moment as she processed my clue that would lead her to the million dollars.

"It's our wedding anniversary and we.........,"

We got 'Nice View' table.

Food was ordered and the night went on quite nicely. We did observe that another couple at the other 'Nice View' table were sitting with their back facing the view.

Quadruple huh?

Main course is served! Dig in......NOT!

The Wife's seafood pasta tasted nasty. The mussels, prawns and scallops all tasted the same ---- bland. The linguine was overcooked by a mile and the tomato base tasted stale.

I ended up giving my wife my tenderloin and foie gras.

Such sacrifice.

As I struggled to finish the pasta, all lights went out and the soap suds snow starting spewing to the beat of Xmas music blasting in the background.

I buried my face deep into the pasta.

Then, Santa and his angels, yes, angels, made their rounds to each table. Couples eagerly hugged Santa while having their picture taken.

Santa walks past us.

OOoohhh! The pong!

Santa stinks!

For those of you do not know what Singapore is like, think Hawaii or Jamaica weather all year round. Then think of what happens if you wore a Santa suit in the tropical climate?

All wonderful memories of Santa using Old Spice as aftershave from an old TV commercial, dissipated.

Santa really stinks!

The Wife and I bury our heads even deeper into our pasta. How could anyone hug smelly santa?

The only highlight of the evening was a great Indian waiter who was so jolly and service oriented that I just had to compliment him on his great service.

As we walked out of the reception area, we met smelly Santa moonlighting by giving out flyers to the Xmas party. The 2 greeters standing in the wings bade us farewell. I noticed 2 pairs of angel wings in the corner.

Hey! The plastic wings belonged to the greeters dressed in white standing in the wings! Talk about cost cutting!

As we walked out of the building, the wife and I thought of what a job ad for the position might read,

Greeter/Angel
===========
+female working environment
+required to point customers back to robotic receptionist
+required to be dressed in angel white
+required to don angel wings and assist sweaty Santa to take pictures with customers who for a moment, do not question why Santa has fired the elves and resorted to hiring Angels
+great personality is a plus (but if you are cheap to hire, no need any personality at all)

But let's be fair now. Not all angels have to be greeters.

I wonder if Victoria Secrets are hiring any male assistants for their Angels.....